Shit Happens
by Liimbo
Summary: If you have not played League of Legends, this will not make sense. If you have played League of Legends, this will not make sense.


Author's Note: I was bored.

Disclaimer: League of Legends belongs to Riot Games.

**-LOL-**

**A Strange Proposition**

'It's not Mundo. It's Dr. Mundo!' As if for emphasis a cleaver slammed into the table, the blade quivering in the wood. 'Only Mundo calls himself Mundo! You call Mundo Dr Mundo!' Second cleaver followed the first. Bugger me, but is that blood on it?

I wet my lips nervously, looking up at that purple behemoth. Damn but he's tall. 'Right, Dr Mundo. My mistake,' I said correcting myself, holding my hands up placatingly. 'As I was saying, I-'

Wait, hold the phone.

I leaned up from my chair. 'How the hell did you become a doctor?'

'Mundo went to college.'

'College!' By that time, most of the people in the tavern were already paying attention to us, and now they were transitioning from curious to being utterly wary. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Jax incongruously picking up his lamppost and placing it on the bar counter in front of him within easy reach, whilst Yasuo straightened in his seat and gingerly adjusted his sheathed sword in his belt. 'Which college would possibly give you a degree in medicine? No wait, on second thought, what college would even let you in?' Imagine trying to listen to a lecture with this guy sitting behind you, I thought. In the background, there was the audible click-clack of mechanisms being armed as Vayne and Quinn each individually placed a bolt in their nasty-looking crossbows.

The Zaunite killer scratched his head, oblivious. 'Mundo don't remember.'

I slumped back down on my stool with a sigh as I realised I'd overreacted. 'Forget it. Forget it,' I muttered waving a hand dismissively. 'Anyway, what was I talking about earlier?'

'Mundo dunno.'

Gragas yelled from his place behind the bar counter, wiping a glass tumbler with a not-too-clean rag. 'The opening!'

I snapped my fingers. 'Right, thanks. Mundo-Dr Mundo,' I continued quickly, eying the third cleaver he had at hand. Where does he get those things? I grabbed my drink, sipped it and cradled it, all too aware of my trembling fingers as I phrased my proposal. 'How would you like to star in a-'

'Cheater!' I turned in my stool. Ryze was pointing at the cards Twisted Fate laid down on their table. 'There's no way you could have gotten that hand again!'

Twisted Fate leaned back in his chair. 'Sure I can,' the man cockily drawled as his blue-skinned opponent fumed. 'You just had a spree of bad luck. That's all.'

'There's bad luck. And then there's rigging.'

'Now I call that unjust resentment.'

'Keep it down, will you?' I broke in complaining. 'I'm trying to make a sales pitch here.'

They ignored me and continued bickering.

'Hey bartender!' Braum bellowed from a corner. 'I need a refill!

'Do I look like I'm going to come all the way there just to pour you another? Your fault for sitting there.' Gragas scanned the room till he found what he was looking for as she strode out the girl's room dressed in jeans and a cardigan whilst fiercely shoving a pair of high heels, a pantyhose and a bunny ears headband into a bag. 'Waitress!'

'What?'

'Are you deaf, Riven? The man wants his top-up!'

'My shift's over. Do it yourself.' The white-haired Noxian glanced at Yasuo and coolly beckoned to the door. 'Sorry to keep you waiting. Shall we go now?'

I feigned a cough, watching Gragas grumbled something inaudible but probably profane under his breath as he looked at Braum and gestured helplessly to his bulk. There was the sound of a door being opened and closed. 'Um, right,' I murmured, blinking a little. I cleared my throat as returned my gaze back to the ireless white eyes of the crazed serial killer and self-styled scientist. With a suspicious, but nevertheless authentic doctorate in medicine, I mentally added. 'For the record, I just want to say that I'm a huge fan of your work,' I stammered out. 'And it's always been my preference to work with those who I'd strongly admire. I mean, that is not to suggest that I like working with those I dislike, but by that, I'm saying-'

'Mundo thinks you're stalling.'

I squirmed in my seat. 'Yes I am, and I apologize.' I cleared my throat. 'So…uh.' Pause. Mundo didn't blink. Does he ever blink? It's eerie. 'What was I talking about again?'

'Oh for Valoran's sake,' Jax said cutting in. 'You sound like a kid asking the girl next door out on a date.'

That's a pretty tasteless analogy considering the context I'm in, I thought with irritation.

'Just say it,' the Grandmaster continued. 'It's been 707 words since we started. Get to the point.'

'Yeah, what he said!' Reneketon added in a roar next to him. 'Hey Gragas. Give me another round!' He snarled at the giant of a man with a considerable pot belly as he stomped back from handing Braum another pint. 'And put it on me mate's tab over here!'

'764,' Jax added loudly as the scowling bartender threatened the drunken reptile with bodily harm. 'And no Renek, you're paying for your own this time.'

I sighed. 'Alright Mundo-Dr Mundo, I mean. I'm just going to say it out loud.' I threw up my hands. Here it goes. 'Would you like to star in a fanfiction pairing?'

All activity in the tavern stopped. Gragas and Renekton stared at me with eyes as wide as saucers. Quinn and Vayne looked at each in disbelief as Valor loudly farted. Twisted Fate covered his mouth to hide what I assumed was a cheeky grin as the stool he was leaning back creaked precariously on one leg. Ryze went pale, or as pale as he could get. Jax just shook his head once and picked up his lamppost whilst Braum merrily drank away, not paying attention to what was happening here.

I waited, my heart thumping violently in my chest. Mundo's face was inscrutable, as his tongue slid out of his mouth with a loud slurp as it usually did. A heavy second passed by. Than two. 'Well?' I prompted. 'What do you think?'

The world waited with bated breath.

Mundo scratched his head. 'Mundo thinking…' he began ponderingly.

'Take all the time you want.' I eyed the cleaver in his hand and tensed myself for the moment when the implications sink in. I think I can reach the door in five seconds. Maybe four. I'll never make it in time.

'Mundo want to ask if fanfic have lemons.'

Jax's lamppost crashed onto the floor. Valor made a dropping. I blinked. 'Well…if you want, we'll have enough lemons for a lemonade stall, figuratively speaking.' I slowly replied, wondering how this is happening. 'All the tangy goodness you can have.'

'All Mundo can have?'

I gulped, regretting I ever asked him. 'All you can take if need be,' I replied. Vayne's went a shade of green to match that of Renekton's scales.

Mundo shook his head, face sorrowful. 'Mundo interested but Mundo will have to decline.' He stood up, his hair groaning with relief. 'Mundo needs to go back to office now.' He proffered a meaty hand sans the cleaver.

Teemo's smelly mushrooms. I stood up and we shook. I smiled weakly as I felt the bones in my hand being crushed in his grip. 'Alright than. I won't ask why. But should you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.'

'Mundo will remember!' He mercifully let go of my hand and I massaged it with a grimace as he picked up his suitcase, turned and walked out. It was not until the door was shut behind the Madman of Zaun that life in the tavern resumed and everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.

I sat back in my stool and heard myself loudly exhale as I relaxed. I rummaged in my pockets before I found it. 'Now let's see here,' I murmured to myself as I tossed my notebook and pen onto the table next to the two cleavers embedded into the wood. 'That rules him out,' I said crossing him off. 'Now who's next on the list?' The door opened again.

'Hey lass,' Twisted Fate said in greeting, pushing up the tip of his cowboy hat with a finger as he eyed whoever came in. 'What's with the black?'

'Party at the Du Couteau's estate. I left early.'

I found the name. I looked up and spotted its owner. 'Morgana!' I yelled at the woman with horned ears who was garbed in a ball gown the same colour as the pair of wings of sleek ebony feathers protruding from her back. 'Just the girl I was looking for! I got a proposition for you!'

**-LOL-**

Flames? Comments? Kind words? The lottery number for tonight? Or you just want to tell me what you had for lunch? You know where to drop a line.


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